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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

by Bill in Portland Maine

Wed Feb 13, 2008 at 06:10:48 AM PST

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

The BiPM answering machine. Last Sunday morning:

[Beep!] Hello, this is Barack Obama reminding you to come out and caucus for me on Sunday. Together we can bring hope and change to America. Thank you.

[Beep!] Hello, this is Hillary Clinton. If you agree that we need a new direction in America, please caucus for me on Sunday. I have the experience needed to hit the ground running on day one. Thank you.

[Beep!] Hi, Barack again. Did Hillary just call you? Look, she and I were friends before the primary season and we'll be friends after. But right now she's just acting crazy, understand? Vote for me and I may let you stand next to me at my inauguration.

[Beep!] Hillary here. Barack's feeding you a line 'o crap and he knows it. Not only will I let you stand next to me at my inauguration, but I'll give you the cabinet position of your choice. You have to admit, that's pretty sweet. Love ya!

[Beep!] Hey, it's Barack. Love ya more. Wanna be my VP?

[Beep!] Oh, he's not gonna make you vice president and he knows it!

[Beep!] Will too!

[Beep!] Will not!

[Beep!] This is Chelsea Clinton. Have you seen my mom or my dad? I'm supposed to be at a rally with 'em but there's no one here. Today's Nebraska, right?

[Beep!] Hi, this is Oprah. Despite what the Clinton campaign says, I am not going to crush your skull between my thighs if you don’t vote for my man Barack. That would let you off too easy! Hint hint.

[Beep!] Hi, Barack again. That wasn't Oprah. That was Hillary pretending to be Oprah. You see how these people work? I think it's... Oh, wait, it was Oprah. Never mind. Vote for me!

[Beep!] Hi, this is Chuck Norris. I'm hiding behind your bathroom door, and as soon as you come in to pee I'm gonna break every bone in your Defeatocrat body. I'll start with your femurs.

[Beep!] Hi, this is Mike Gravel. Chuck's hanging by his underwear from a hook on the back of your bathroom door. The police are on their way. Wish I could stay but I've gotta stop a meteor that's hurtling toward Earth. Have a nice pee.